Greetings fair maidens and brave knights, and welcome to the most popular jousting tournament of the 21st century! Yes, today the beans have traveled to this fine castle in the search for a four-course meal fit for a king, first class violence-based entertainment, and copious amounts of frosty beverages brought forth from an attractive "drink wench"! (Hey, that's what they're called - don't blame me...)

Medieval Times actually has eight of these restaurants located throughout the country, mostly in high-tourist traffic towns. And amazingly enough, they are honestly a lot of fun. The Dallas castle has seating for 998 lords and ladies, and a large cast of actors, horses, servers, and assorted royalty put on quite the show. At the gate you are given a specific colored crown to wear, and then you cheer for that color's knight during the tournament. As for the beans, it's a given that they cheered for the black knight, isn't it?

And yes, the rumor is true -- you are fed, but no silverware shall grace your table. The official theory is that it hadn't been invented in the 16th century, but I think it's just more fun to watch delicately dressed ladies try to pick at a game hen with their fingers.

It's probably a good thing that they don't serve black beans in this manner - although it would be interesting to see people try, the mess afterwards would require a sincere hosing down...

Now, as for the drink wenches, these are the lovely young ladies who come by to offer you a beverage of your choice. They bow before you, introduce themselves as your drink wench, and gladly pour you a cold one.

The beans found this part of the service to be fascinating, but couldn't help think of the classic line form "The Cable Guy" -- "There are no utensils in medieval times, thus, there are no utensils at Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?" Regardless, the beans were glad to make their drink wench's acquaintance, and did help themselves to a refreshing carbonated beverage.

Part of the fun at Medieval Times is the exhibits outside the main dining hall. Here, the beans take a spin in the torture chamber, where they send lousy tippers and those who try to sneak in plastic cutlery. While the beans didn't do anything wrong to deserve a night on the rack, while seated this mighty-pointy chair they did confess to about 30 assorted crimes, including taking blame for all of the missing socks from dryers, making weekends fly by while Mondays drag on, and worst of all, sabotaging Pauly Shore's career. (They were immediately paroled after that last one...)

You know, when the beans said that they "needed to use the throne", this isn't what we imagined at first. Thank goodness they kept it clean...
Of course, there's a gift shop and plenty of opportunities to make unique purchases while in the audience and afterwards. The most unique item though has to be the full sized suits of armor that are for sale, for a mere $3,500 - $4,000 apiece. Pricy, but just think how cool it would be to have one of these inside your house - it would certainly cut down on the number of solicitors, wouldn't it?

The beans thought this was great, having been encased in their own armor for years. Now if they could only get a sword...