The beans would like to thank BATW Ambassadors Jr. & Karri Roslinda for taking them to the circus...and a freak show...and a feeding frenzy...all in one!

Good afternoon, judges, jurists, and Jesus Juice fans, and welcome to Santa Maria, California, the town that was unfortunately saddled as the host city to the Michael Jackson fiasco of 2005. Now, we're going to spend the next few paragraphs having a little fun at ol' Plastic Face's situation, so if you're a huge Michael Jackson fan, you may want to turn away now. Because if there's one thing the beans hate, it's seeing a nice community such as Santa Maria overrun by a freak show and it's 2,000 highly motivated camera crews. But if you're anything like me (and more than a little sick and tired of the whole thing), then by golly - read away, 'cause we're going to have some fun.

So before we delve into the muck that was the Jackson trial, let's talk about Santa Maria, the beautiful city that it is. (Truth be told, my parents lived in this same town for almost 3 years, and it holds a lot of deeply sentimental memories in my Mother's heart. So we'll be twice as nice as usual to their hometown away from home.) Santa Maria was originally known as Central City, but had it's name changed way back in 1865. Santa Maria is close to Vandenberg Air Force Base, the region's largest employer, and has a rich avionic history. But what really makes Santa Maria special (besides all the nice people) is their local barbecue secret - the tri-tip barbecue. Trust me; until you've had one, you really haven't lived. The beans are hoping to be invited back to a Santa Maria tri-tip BBQ ASAP - and guess what - they know the perfect side to have with it! (No, not turnips, silly. Beans!)

So as I write this, it's about 6 days after the jury found ol' Mikey not guilty on all 13 counts of child molestation and other assorted naughty behavior. Honestly, I'm not surprised to see Captain Eo moonwalk away scot free; it never seemed like there was any solid evidence or a "smoking gun" to prove his guilt. Somewhere up in Heaven, the beans are certain that Johnny Cochran is having quite the laugh.And just so we're clear on this, the beans (and I) definitely do not condone Jacko's behavior at all. They still wouldn't let any of their little bean sprouts hang out at Neverland, no matter how much cotton candy and funny-tasting Diet Coke he offers. Anyway, off that soapbox. Here the beans join the throngs of people (and canned veggies outside the main gate. And yes, they were indeed careful not to disturb the peace. Because if they can't imprison Jacko, they may want to take it out on someone else - and we don't want that "someone" to be our attorney-less beans, now do we?

Here the beans check out Santa Maria's Tent City, which considering what a "circus" the whole Jackson trial was, isn't too surprising to see. All that's missing is an elephant, and the beans suspect that they could bring one in from Neverland, if you really insisted on it... It's here that members of the press from around the world set up camp to report the latest happenings in the trial, no matter how weird, bizarre, or occasionally boring they may be. The beans normally appreciate any free publicity they can get (they're still partial to the article in the Australian newspaper that referred to them as "cheeky"), but are hoping to never have to be part of such intense media scrutiny. Unless it's because they won $500 million in Powerball. Then we'll let one of you hang with us for a couple of days.

Does it ever amaze you that whenever there's a bizarre celebrity trial, it's usually taking place here in SoCal? Okay, other than Martha Stewart and Long Island Lolita, California is generally the place to find strange and usual court proceedings - O.J., Robert Blake, the Menendez brothers, Scott Peterson, L.A. Law, Zsa Zsa slapping that Beverly Hills Cop, the list just goes on and on. The beans hope that when they're major celebrities (which should happen just about any day now, shouldn't it?), they'll remain on the path of the straight and narrow and canned, and not end up in one of these fine-yet-overcrowded court rooms. 'Cause with their luck, the beans would probably end up seated on the bench between Robert Downey and Tom Sizemore, and that could just get ugly.

This is the now famous walkway where Mikey, his mass of bodyguards, his coattail riders, his official umbrella holder, and his equally-eccentric family walked every day into court. (Fortunately for all of the still-supposedly-shocked-and-appalled live TV watchers, Janet didn't have anymore public wardrobe mishaps. At least that part of the world is safe again, right?) Anyway, the beans can't help but notice that there's no red carpet here. Hmmm, maybe they sent it out to have some of the muck dry cleaned off? Either that, or Michael's makeup left a trail.

The Smooth Criminal's trial attracted an interesting mix of celebs - Chris Tucker, Jay Leno, and Macaulay Culkin all testified, and a day didn't go by when you didn't see Jesse Jackson hanging out, hoping to offer Michael a little counseling and/or get his own mug on TV again. It's too bad that the beans weren't called as a witness - although they've never personally met Michael Jackson, they'd be glad to testify as an expert witness on what it's like to live life hidden behind a veil - even if their "veil" is made out of metal.

One thing that always impressed the beans though was the sheer dedication of some of Jacko's fans - we're talking about grown people who've traveled here from all around the world to hold homemade signs, chant, shriek, cry, and otherwise show their faith and support in a guy who was seriously looking at the possibility of 20 years in the can for abusing little boys. The beans just don't get that - isn't there someone out there who these people can idolize that isn't accused of such things? True, he was a pop music sensation once - 21 years ago - but c'mon. The beans have a list of highly personable, very outgoing and polite vegetables you can follow around instead, none of which have mug shots, other than the glossy photo on their labels. (Okay, I'll stop with the rants. I suspect that the beans are just being jealous here. Nobody has ever flown in from Europe just to camp outside of their bean can, hoping for even the remotest glimpse of our beloved frijoles.)

So now comes the time for Michael's comeback. Oh, and you know it'll be spectacular. Exclusive TV interviews, a movie of the week, a book or twelve, a concert tour, a possible long-term stint at The Donald's new Vegas casino, a reality show or two, and who knows - maybe even a new album. Someone is going to make a boatload of cash off this thing, and sadly it probably won't be the taxpayers of Santa Barbara County. Anyway, this is the courtyard where the jurors and other VIPs were allowed to come hang out and smoke 'em if they had 'em during the trial's recesses. (We're thankful to the friendly Aussie reporter who was kind enough to take the beans back here, where the general public was more than banned.) The beans were called for jury duty once, but alas - the judge dismissed them. Something about not being able to stay awake in the court room. Either that, or their inability to put down the Game Boy had something to do with it.

So there you have it - the trial of this century (at least for now - who knows what's coming up next) is HIStory, and hopefully soon Santa Maria can return to being the nice, quiet community it was. They'll go back to holding their strawberry festival and cooking up some of those wonderful tri-tip BBQs, and nobody outside of the local area will be filming it. And as for Mr. Jackson, well let's all hope he learned his lesson. Because the beans really don't want to go through this again, if it's all the same to you.