About 10 minutes later the Belize "Tourism Village" appeared directly in front of us, and we docked at the nearest pier. The weather was overcast and hazy, but all of the Weather God predictions called for nice sunny skies by the afternoon, and even though the humidity was already high we figured it would eventually burn off. Our large group was shown into terminal #4 of the Tourism Village, where we'd have a couple of moments to visit the restroom and get ourselves collected before boarding the buses to the river. So Mary and I took advantage of the "not having to use the bathroom on the bus" moment while it was available, which meant we eventually ended up towards the back of the line, behind the other 178 people. No big deal.

The Tourism Village

A couple of minutes later we were led outside, where five large Greyhound-style buses were lined up and ready to take us. We boarded bus #5 and found a seat, and were soon introduced to the first of our two tour guides for the day, Edgar. Edgar said his job was to tell us all about Belize and its history and people, and once we were closer to the actual cave tubing, his partner Bol would take over and explain how we'd be touring the caves.

Well, let's just say that both Edgar and Bol were excellent tour guides. The bus left the Tourism Village a couple of moments later, and Edgar spent the next 45 minutes telling us all about Belize and Belize City, and pointing out some of the local landmarks and sights. His English was very good (much better than my Spanish was, that's for sure), and he made the trip really enjoyable and informative. I didn't know much about Belize prior to this trip, but I came away with a whole new understanding and respect for the people there, thanks largely to the information provided by Edgar along the way.

The bus took us through the heart of Belize City, then across a river into the poorer sections of town, and finally on the road that would lead us to the jungle. Belize is definitely a third-world nation - you could see extreme poverty everywhere, and some of the neighborhoods made the worst places you've seen in the States look like Beverly Hills. The houses that were "nice", such as the prime minister's home that we passed, had iron bars over every window and door, yet still seemed to have a Humvee parked in the driveway.

Two sides of Belize City

The further we got out into the jungle, the more basic the homes became - most without electricity or running water. It was humbling to see people who live their lives in this manner - not in an "aw, aren't they sad little folks" way, but more like how they're able to survive every day without things that we Americans take for granted. I mean, I'm the guy who throws a hissy fit if the TiVo doesn't record "CSI" properly for me. Meanwhile, these people don't have electricity, much less a television.

But I have to hand it to Edgar - he pointed out both the good and bad sides of Belize, and admitted that yes - it's a third world country, but they make do with what they have, and they're working hard to improve themselves as a people and as a nation. I for one wish them all the best in their efforts, and suspect that someday they'll make it.

Anyway, as we got closer to where we'd enter the river, Edgar took a break and let his partner Bol take over the microphone. Bol is a full-blood Mayan from there in Belize, and he told us what to expect while cave tubing. Once we arrived at the departure point, we'd be issued a life vest, inner tube, and a small lantern to wear. You needed to wear shoes for the hike through the jungle, which would take around a half hour or so. Bug spray was okay to use if you had it, but since it wasn't the rainy season (May - November), you really didn't need to worry about it, as the mosquitos weren't bad this time of year. So grab your sunscreen and your waterproof camera, then leave all the rest of your junk on the bus, as it would be locked and guarded by the driver. And don't bring anything else with you that you don't absolutely need - littering is a major faux pas around here.

Oh, and one other thing Bol warned us about - we'd be cave tubing, so plan on getting wet. (Amazingly, some tourists don't realize this until they're standing in the river. Duh, people.) And the river this time of year? It could be very..."refreshing". He said in Belize they did not have a word for "Cold" - it was either "Hot" or "Refreshing". So consider yourself warned; the river may be a little refreshing today. But did we care? Heck, no. Mary and I have both gone inner tubing in Montana, where it's melted snowcaps and glacier water. A slightly chilly river in Belize? No problem.

The launching pad for cave tubing

We finally arrived at the drop-off point, and since we were the last bus to arrive most everyone else had already gone on ahead of us, so there wasn't a huge crowd around. We had a few minutes to let anyone change their clothes or use the restroom while they had a chance, then Edgar passed out the lanterns and we made our way over to the water shoe booth, where those who hadn't brought their own could rent a pair for $3. (We'd brought old tennis shoes from home, so there's another Super Shopper Lacey-worthy feather in our cap!)

The sun was out now and the humidity was starting to climb even higher, and I was starting to think that the "refreshing" river sounded really good when they passed out the inner tubes and life vests (which were strapped to the inner tube and were available to wear, if you wanted. Nobody did.). We then followed Edgar and started our hike through the jungle.

Included in our party and just ahead of us were four good-natured souls from somewhere in the South - Alabama, we assumed from their thick twang accents. And they were going to have a loud, boisterous time, no matter what, so Mary and I did the wisest thing we could think of - "Here, you go on ahead!", then we trailed behind at the back of the pack, where Bol was bringing up the rear. This worked out really well; not only did we get away from the Obnoxious Four, we also had some time to talk with Bol about the rain forest and Belize some more, and have a few extra moments to admire the amazing beauty of the jungle.

After a couple hundred yards we crossed the river and went to the opposite bank; Bol said that this is where we'd eventually end our ride. We still didn't see any caves, but I was sure that they were up there somewhere. We stopped briefly on the other side of the river so that everyone could dip into the "refreshing" water, which was indeed just that -- but wasn't that cold. The river was anywhere from 6 inches to 10 feet deep, depending on where you stood, and most people went ahead and climbed into the deeper parts of the water for a few seconds.

Our river of adventure

It was time to begin our climb through the jungle, so Edgar led the group up a dirt path that led through a few small caves in the side of the hill, then higher up the hill along a path with steps made from tree roots. The canopy of the rainforest was really dense in places; all you could see were lots and lots of green leaves. Bol said that the forest was teeming with animals, but most of them were very shy and didn't want to be around the people, although sometimes if you looked carefully you might be able to spot a monkey or parrot in the trees. We didn't find any animals along the trail, except for a tiny dead lizard that I saw back towards the beginning, but you could hear the birds high in the trees every now and then. We also passed several huge termite mounds, and were glad that they didn't come out to say "hola" to the passing tourists.

Birds of paradise and bananas in the rainforest

We continued to hike on through the jungle, and I stopped a couple of times to snap pictures of the plants. There was a huge bird of paradise in bloom alongside the path, and we also came along a banana tree. (Not something you'll find growing wild in Iowa, that's for sure.) The forest was also full of mahogany, which Bol said was the national tree of Belize. We also found several nuts from a Kahuna tree along the way, and Bol stopped and smashed a couple of the hard husks open for us to try the nut meat. It was really good - tasted a lot like coconut. Bol said that his family liked to eat them cooked and drizzled with honey. Sounds good to me. Does Emeril have this recipe yet?

It seemed like we'd been walking for a really long time - mainly because I'd been doing so while carrying an inner tube, a disposable camera, and yes - my can of beans. (Don't worry - I didn't litter.) Finally, we came over a crest in the hill, and there was the river, with a huge cave directly in front of us. It was stunning - I'd never seen anything quite like it before. We slowly made our way down the muddy bank and stepped into the refreshing river. Now came the fun part - flopping ourselves into the inner tubes. Since there really isn't a graceful way to do this, we all just went for it and threw ourselves in, and somehow everyone managed to get in without flipping over into the river and/or embarrassing themselves too badly. The river had a nice slow current, and soon we were on our way downstream and into the caves. The lanterns that Edgar had distributed earlier came in handy now, as it was getting increasingly darker by the second within the caves. With the flashlight-strength lantern light, you could see huge stalactites and stalagmites hanging from the interior - the top of the cave was in places at least 60 feet high - and there were massive limestone formations throughout. We were just blown away by the natural beauty. (Please understand that my description does nowhere near the justice that these amazing caves deserve; it was just that awesome.)

The entrance to the caves

We rode along in the river for quite a while, finally coming to a spot where an underground waterfall was off to our left. Not too far past there was an opening on the left side, where the caves had caved in years before, so sunlight shined through and we could see the lush green of the jungle poking through. Too cool.

The ins and outs of cave tubing

Every once in a while we'd hit a small patch of rapids, and we'd go a little faster through the caves. In places where the cave split off into separate directions, they had people there to make sure your inner tube stayed on course and you didn't accidently wash up in Guatemala or somewhere.

Finally, after about an hour of being dazzled by the caves, we came out on the other side and had a short ride back down the river in the daylight to where we'd crossed the river a couple of hours earlier. It was here that it rained on us for literally about 30 seconds, then it completely stopped and the sky instantly cleared up. We thought it was appropriate that we get rained on in the rainforest, wouldn't you agree?

Mary and I drifted along side by side, just soaking up the fact that here we were, riding on inner tubes down a river through the Belizian rain forest - how cool is that? We finally came to the end of the line, where we met...

A CARNIVAL PHOTOGRAPHER.

Yes, there he was, standing in the river, snapping pictures of our stuck-in-a-tube selves. Sheesh. (I believe my exact quote was, "Oh, dear God.") No, we didn't buy the picture.

Once we got out of the tubes and onto dry land, we had to walk back for a few hundred yards to the starting point, where we turned in our inner tubes and lanterns. We then had a few minutes to change our clothes in the small shower/dressing room stalls. Space was limited, so Mary and I shared one. Was it romantic? Well, keep in mind that we were covered in "refreshing" Belizian river water and mud from the banks of the river; you decide. Anyway, it was then time to reboard the bus and start heading back.

More rainforest than you can see!

Once everyone was back on board our bus and Edgar and Bol got on, we all gave them a huge round of applause. It was apparent that everyone else had been just as dazzled as we had. We were soon on our way out of the park and on our way to Cheers, our lunch stop. Lunch was included in the price of the tour tickets, and Edgar and Bol both said that they hoped we'd all take the opportunity to try an authentic Belize meal with them. Heck yeah, you bet. Cave tubing left us starved.

Edgar the tour guide, and the decor at Cheers

On our way to lunch, Bol said that when we got to the restaurant they'd have a buffet set up, and there may be two different types of chicken available for lunch. There's the chicken that we were used to having back home - the type with feathers and two legs. Then there are what they called "Bamboo Chickens", which you and I would know better as "Iguana". So let that be your lesson for today -- beware of anything called "Bamboo Chicken" on the menu, as it may not have ever clucked or sat on a roost during its lifetime.

A few minutes later our bus pulled up at "Cheers" - the restaurant. (Sorry, no Woody or Norm.) Most of us got off to have lunch, but a few of our fellow river tubers 'bamboo chickened' out. Most of the crowds from the earlier buses were just finishing up, so there were plenty of tables. The food was set out buffet style - chicken, rice and beans, cole slaw, and iced tea or lemonade. Mary and I got in line, and when we made our way to where they were serving, we each held out our plates, smiled, and said gracias. Hey, it's not every day that you get to break bread with the locals in a foreign country. Sadly, there was no "bamboo chicken" on the menu today. We would've both tried it if there had been; just to be able to say we did.

We found a table, grabbed a couple of drinks, then dug in. And was it good! They had some local Belize hot sauce on the table, and despite the warning labels calling it "inferno", we both tried a couple of drops and really liked it. We then took a few pictures of the t-shirts and license plates that hung from the ceiling of the restaurant; apparently leaving a little something of yourself behind is a tradition here. I also snapped some photos of the incredibly beautiful flowers that were in bloom; again, it's not something that we're used to seeing happen in January.

More Cheers "artwork", and their tableside flower garden.

Lunch was over, so back on the bus we went. Edgar told us a little bit more about Belize on the way back, and eventually he said, "Ladies and Gentlemen (the phrase that just about every sentence started with), I'm going to be quiet now so you can rest. It's siesta time." Well, since we were all tired from our adventure and then filled up with a fabulous lunch, it was hard not to doze off. I tried as hard as I could to stay awake for the ride back, but it wasn't easy.

Finally we came back into Belize City, and Edgar woke everyone up and told us some more about the town before we arrived back at the Tourism Village. He thanked us for being such a good group, and we all thanked him and Bol for their kind hospitality for the day.

Back at the Tourism Village again

Off the bus for one final time, we had about an hour left until we had to catch the last tender back to the Miracle, so we walked around the shops in the Tourism Village for a while looking at the local merchandise. (Lots of t-shirts, jewelry, and booze.) There was also a pharmacy there, where you could get just about anything you wanted without a prescription. Anything, that is, that wasn't a controlled substance. Viagara? Yes. Vicadin? Nope. I didn't price anything, but it did amaze me to find prescription meds for sale so blatantly. Forget asking your doctor if Viagara is right for you - just ask the Belizian cashier behind the counter.

Vendors just outside of the entrance; artwork on the walls

Mary and I walked around for a while, taking a few pictures and looking at the stuff for sale. She did end up buying a really nice embroidered beach bag, and I went in to a small shop and bought some polished sea shells for my co-workers. It was then time to get back on the tender, so we queued up and were able to board the same tender that we'd taken on the way in. This time we noticed that one of the mates on the boat looked exactly like former light heavyweight boxing champion Roy Jones Jr. Maybe that's what Roy does in his free time since retiring from boxing? Somehow I doubt it.

We got back to the Miracle at 3:45; about 15 minutes before we were set to cast off for Tampa and home (sniff). And keeping up with our new afternoon tradition, it was french fries and cookies on the balcony for the bon voyage party.

Spill #3 - This is where I dumped over my large jug of fruit punch, all over the balcony. First a margarita, then a huge bowl of fries, and now fruit punch. Yikes. This is why we can't have nice things at home.

At 4:00 we laid down and fell asleep, missing the anchor lift and departure from Belize. Goodbye, Belize City - it really was fun.

Two hours later, the French Woman called to tell us it was time to get dressed for dinner. Tonight was the second of our two formal nights, and instead of wearing my Mickey bow tie and cummerbund, I thought I'd go with the traditional black tie for once. Mary wasn't feeling well at all, but she pulled herself together and got dressed for formal night, but opted out of the high heels in favor of her sandals. That was okay; we'd already had our formal portraits, and with poor Mary's cold, neither one of us wanted to wait around to have the Carnival photogs take more pictures of us. So I won't tell anyone about her sandals if she won't. (I'm still kind of surprised she hadn't collapsed by now from the nasty cold, so bonus points to my lovely wife for toughing it out.)

We made it down to the Phantom for tonight's pre-dinner show, "Ticket To Ride". Ticket To Ride is a Beatles tribute performed by the Miracle band and dancers, and it was rather well done. It started out with a double-decker London bus on the stage, and as they made their way through a medley of probably close to 40 different Beatles songs, there was a dozen costume changes or so, a full-size VW bug rolled out on stage, fireworks, glitter cannons, and during Let It Be, the wait staff passed out little glow sticks to everyone in the audience to wave. It was quite the show, and a nice way to celebrate the end of another fantastic day on the Miracle.

The show was over, and a couple of young kids were going around the seats collecting the leftover glow sticks, so we passed ours off to them, then made our way to the Bacchus for dinner. Larry and Kim joined us a few minutes later - Kim had her wedding tiara on, and Larry was decked out in his tux - and they'd brought along a bottle of champagne that they'd received as a wedding gift and asked if we'd like to share it with them. Tatiana took the bottle and offered to trade it for one from their cooler, and soon we had four glasses of champagne at our table. We drank a toast to the newlyweds, to new friends, and to the wonderful week we'd had on the Miracle. Cheers!

Formal Night #2 - all dressed up and somewhere to go.

It was time for dinner, which tonight was seafood appetizers, cheddar/broccoli soup, caesar salads, shrimp for me, salmon for Mary, and then dessert. We didn't want to overdo it, as tonight was the gala buffet and we all knew that we'd be eating again in just a couple of hours, so it was only one entree each tonight. See? A little restraint is a good thing.

Before dessert, Tatiana made Larry and I get up and dance with her again. So naturally we did - I mean - who are we to say no? So there we were, Larry and I, up shaking our groove things with Tatiana, Jana, and the assistant Maitre'd, Arta, to "Livin' La Vida Loca" while the ladies sat at the table and admired their men's talents. Or, at least that's what I hope they were doing, and not laughing hysterically. Mary snapped several pictures of my killer dance moves, in case that Usher or Will Smith ever want to borrow them. It was a lot of fun to boogie down and show off my two left feet and incredible lack of rhythm with Larry and the Miracle ladies, and an opportunity I would do all over again if given the chance.

Dance, you fool! Dance!

Okay - time for dessert. We certainly earned it tonight. Now, sadly I don't remember what our "real" desserts were, but there was one thing that stood out in all of our minds. Tatiana brought us a pear tart, which was okay, but it was it's accompaniment that made us all think twice about the joys of "gourmet cuisine".

That said, let me tell you about the horrors of basil ice cream.

The pear tartlet came with a little scoop of white ice cream with little specks of something in it. (We thought at first it was peppercorns, but it did turn out to be basil.) Nobody was dying to try it; we'd already had dessert, and tonight was the gala buffet, remember? But finally curiosity got the best of Kim, and she tried it.

The disgusted look on her face? 100% priceless. If you could imagine a Mr. Yuk sticker with a tiara, that was about it. Poor Kim was good and grossed out. Lord, I wish I had a picture of it. Of course we all had a good laugh at that, and finally Mary said, "Let me try it." So she took a spoonful, and we all waited to see her bend over in convulsions, too. But amazingly enough, she just sat there, and finally said, "Hmmm - I don't hate that." See, we'd all forgotten that her taste buds were numbed from her head cold, so she didn't get to experience the full impact.

But if my wife can eat it and not gag, then why can't I? Being the brave soul that I am, I took a spoonful and confidently rolled it around my tastebuds.

How do I best describe the basil ice cream? Okay, let's put it like this.

NASTY. HORRIBLE. REVOLTING. GRODY TO THE MAX. ICKY. SPEW.

I hope that you were able to understand my true feelings about it from the above description, and will heed my warning to avoid that stuff like the plague.

Now everyone was laughing at my Mr. Yuk face, and just to be sure I got it all off my palate I took my cloth napkin and wiped my tongue off, which brought on another round of laughs. Mary and Kim had tears running down their faces, and by the time Larry tried it (and naturally gagged) a couple of seconds later, we were all sore from laughing so much. It was the most fun I'd ever had with an incredibly disgusting dessert.

At about this time Tatiana showed up, and we all immediately tackled her, telling her how absolutely nasty that ice cream was. She didn't bat an eye. "Hmmmph," she said. "I rather like it." Oops, had we just offended our waitress? Oh, well - different tastes for everyone, I suppose. A couple of minutes later Tatiana and Jana showed up again, and apparently there were no hard feelings over our disliking the basil ice cream, as they both stopped to take pictures with us.

Now take a good look at this photo. That's Tatiana with Larry and Kim on the left, and Jana with Mary and I on the right. And you'll notice Jana's hand...on top of mine. It was funny - whenever the waiter who was taking our group picture was ready to snap the photo, Jana would reach over and take my hand. Then as soon as the picture was done, she'd move it away. We did this twice - once with Larry's camera and once with mine. Both times with the last second hand holding. Very funny, Jana. It's something that Mary and I have laughed about many times since.

The six of us, hanging out and having fun.

Dinner was over, and they practically had to throw us out tonight. We'd stayed far too long laughing and ended up as among the last people to leave, but they wanted us out so that they could begin setting up for the gala buffet. We dropped by the Raven Library to send Katie an e-mail, as access would be cut off early on Saturday AM, then we decided to go catch the late night comedy show in the Mad Hatter's Lounge. Since there isn't a lot of room in the Mad Hatters anyway, and seats near showtime become a premium, we got there early and listened in on the end of the evening's karaoke festivities that was just wrapping up before the comedian came on. The comedian's R-rated show ("kinda spicy!") was pretty funny, and we had a good laugh at his jokes, which were mainly about his wife's insistence that he watch "Queer Eye For A Straight Guy" with her.

After the show, it was time to go to the grand gala buffet preview. From 11:30 to 12:15 you were allowed to come into the Bacchus dining room and look at (but not touch) the food. Take pictures, not samples. Then when you were good and salivating, they'd shut the doors at 12:15, clear everyone out, then finish setting up and reopen the doors at 12:30 for you to come taste it.

Ice sculptures and vegetable baskets, oh my!

So what did they serve? Well, I'll let the pictures below tell the complete story. It was the kind of artistry we used to do in my baking class 20 years ago for culinary contests, only we did it once a year, not every week. The talent from the kitchens was truly remarkable.

Heading up the food were two really cool (literally and figuratively) ice sculptures - one was a 3 part dragon, while the other was a dolphin. This was followed by a deluxe salmon display, some really neat flowers made out of fruits and vegetables, and a bread display that would've made my old baking instructor Mr. K. weep with joy.

Looks mighty tasty, doesn't it?

Finally, at the end of the spread was the Holy Grail of Grand Galas - the desserts. Chocolate as far as the eyes could see. Cakes, pastries, chocolate mousse bombes', you name it. I swear they should've handed out bibs at this point, the way that the masses were drooling.

The lines to get in and look at the food were horrendously long, so once we got out of there Mary and I went back up to our room, changed our clothes, and decided to wait a while before heading back down to sample. We figured that we'd let the hoards push and shove their way through, then go back down and enjoy it at our own pace. This turned out to be the best plan, as by the time we went back downstairs to the Bacchus (about 1:00 AM) the lines were nonexistent but there was still plenty of food left.

More food than you could imagine.

I took two plates - one exclusively for desserts, of course - and had some really good rare roast beef on a hard roll, some cheese, a little bundle of tied-up green beans, some leftover filet mignons that has been cooked in a mushroom gravy (mighty good!), a couple of little appetizers that I'm still not sure what was in them, and some pasta salad, then I made my way to the dessert table, where they gave me a huge slice of a chocolate mousse bombe' and some raspberry white chocolate cake. Yeah!

Pastry Deluxe - are you hungry yet?

At the end of the line you could either stay in the Bacchus and eat there, or they'd give you a plate cover and a set of silverware, and you could have your buffet "to go". So that's what we did - up to our balcony we went, where we sat and watched the moon as we snarfed this late night feast. Was it good? Ooooh, yeah.

It was 2:00 AM by the time we turned off the light - another long day of fun was over. Tomorrow would mean the beginning of the end - our last full day on the Miracle. I tried not to think about having to end the good times, and instead drifted off to sleep with images of floating through caves running through my very happy little head.

Time for a question: Does life really ever get any better than this? I didn't think so.