The sun was barely up, and the ship was rocking a little bit more than usual as we re-entered the Gulf of Mexico, but I figured now was the best time to take some pictures around the ship without having other passengers in the frame. So I grabbed the beans and the weasel and off we went.

Our first stop would be the Land of the Forbidden - the funnel deck. What's so bad about the funnel deck, you ask? Well, that's also known as the topless deck, where cameras and videotaping are strictly taboo. But here's how I saw it: It was 7:30 in the morning. The sun had been up for only 10 minutes, and I doubted if anyone would be out there exposing themselves at that ungodly hour. Besides, it was nasty windy on the outside decks, and not exactly what you'd call "warm" out. So if there was by chance a woman out there in a state of undress, then the beans, weasel, and I would get out of there in a hurry and not risk being called a pervert.

The G-rated view from the funnel deck

So up to the funnel deck we went. And sure enough - there was nobody there. I took a couple of pictures of the sign warning you that photos weren't allowed (no way I could deny seeing that sign, now was there?), then I went up to the top deck and took photos from up on high. And to be quite truthful, there really was nothing to see. Honestly.

I then went down the stairs to deck 10, outside of Nick & Noras, and walked along the outside for a while, taking pictures as I went. I did see a couple of white-uniformed Carnival guys peering over the railing from the topless deck, like they were looking for me, but nobody ever came up to ask what I had been doing up there (thank God -- try explaining why you have a can of beans, a stuffed weasel, and a digital camera on the topless deck sometime!), so I just kept moving.

The ship was really rocking, and the wind was blowing really hard now, and by the time I made it back down to the Lido deck, the swimming pool had whitecaps on it. From what I heard there were 7 foot swells below us, so I was glad that I'd

A windy day on the Lido deck

I walked around the ship and took some more pictures, then snuck back to the cabin for a quick shower and to drop off the weasel and beans. Mary was barely awake when I got out of the shower, so I told her to sleep in and I'd go get breakfast on my own. She could come meet me in the Phantom later on; I'd be in there for most of the morning.

Off I went for breakfast for one on the Lido, which was good, but not as good as it would've been if Mary had been with me. The poor dear was good and sick by now, and I felt really bad leaving her behind, but I knew that deep down she didn't mind having some quiet time to herself. I sat in Horatios and watched the people go by - there were a lot of burned out, hungover looking people this morning. Too much late night gala buffet, I suppose?

After breakfast I headed to the Phantom Lounge, where it was time for...Good Morning Trivia! There were lots of people in attendance this morning, as the trivia game was going to be followed by a round of bingo, then CD Steve's disembarkation talk at 10:00. So I grabbed an answer sheet from Ali, who threw 20 nasty brain teasers at us. I mean, these were some incredibly hard, deep thought inducing, way too much work for this time of day questions. In the end, I had a score of 15 out of 20 - tied for first place. So Ali asked two tie breakers of me and the woman I'd tied with. In the end, I got the right answer, so I scored my fourth medallion and 50 points for the red team (our dining room table). My opponent got a medallion, too, but I think she was still torqued that she didn't win.

After impossible trivia they played bingo, but I sat out. It was $10 for one bingo card or $20 for 3, and bingo was for one game - it lasted about 5 minutes. Not worth the investment. I did however buy three of the "free cruise" raffle tickets, because as my dear sweet mother always says, "someone has to win." So I sat in the Phantom and worked on my crossword puzzle until 10:00, when CD Steve came on stage to tell us everything we needed to know about getting off the ship and through Customs the next morning.

And oh yeah -- while bingo was going, Mary came in and sat next to me. She certainly looked much better than she had earlier. I was glad to see that she was up and about.

Steve began his disembark talk with the following list. Now, Steve -- if you're offended that I'm "stealing your thunder" by repeating your joke here, then by all means e-mail me. But for those of you who'd like to read our Cruise Director's incredibly funny story, here it is. (Forgive me, Steve.) A bunch of Carnival Cruise Directors sat down together recently and made a Top 10 list of the dumbest questions they'd ever been asked by a passenger. This list actually expanded to 12 things, but each one deserves a place on the list.

Top 12 Dumbest Questions Ever Asked on a Cruise Ship

12. "Do the waiters sleep on board?" ("No ma'am - they ride along in a little boat next to the ship.")

11. "Will the elevator take us to the front of the ship?" (What is this - Star Trek?)

10. "What time is the midnight buffet?"

9. "If I go snorkeling, will I get wet?"

8. "I am a bottle over my Customs limit for alcohol, but I drank it. Do I still have to declare it?"

7. "Is the pool filled with sea water?" When the woman was told yes it was, she turned to her friend and said, "Oh. That must be why it's so rough in the pool."

6. "Y'all got generators on board?" (Steve's reply: "No sir, just a really long extension cord.")

5. "Why do they put little pats of butter on my pillow at night?"

4. "How do I know which photos are mine?"

3. "What do you do with the ice carvings after they've melted?"

2. (Channel 24 on the TV is a closed-circuit camera pointing towards the sea from the ship's bridge.) "Why does channel 24 go black at 8 o'clock every night?"

1. During a hurricane, the ship allowed the passengers a free phone call home from their cabin to let their loved ones know that they were okay. An irate woman came to the cruise director, complaining that she couldn't make the phone work. The cruise director explained to call back to the United States, all you had to do was pick up the phone, dial 15, then 1, area code, and the number. "I know, I know, I read all that," she said testily. "But I can't dial 15. My phone only goes up to 9."

So there you go -- make sure you don't ask any of these questions on your next cruise, and you won't end up as the butt of the joke for years to come.

The disembarking talk was mainly about how to fill out the Customs form, how much of Super Shopper Lacey's excellent suggestions you could bring back to the U.S. duty free, what exactly you were allowed to bring back into the country (one liter of alcohol each, 200 smokes, $800 worth of swag) and what you weren't (no plants, no animals, no fruits or vegetables, and definitely no Cuban made items - i.e. cigars). Steve was pretty clear that trying to smuggle Cuban cigars back into the country wasn't a good idea, and you'd really regret the Customs fine if you were caught with them, so before we were back in American waters they'd be holding a "Puff 'Til You Puke" party in the cigar lounge, so smoke 'em if you got 'em.

As the talk wrapped up, Steve introduced us again to some of the staff members from the Miracle - some of the cooks, the room stewards, the dining room staff, the "behind the scenes" crew for the shows - and asked that we all fill out the comment cards that were left in our rooms that morning. He asked that we be honest, but mark them "exceeds expectations" if everything was good. Yes, he was fishing for compliments, but as far as he were concerned, he didn't need to cast too far, as we were thrilled with everything and would be glad to say so in our comment section. There would also be room for adding additional comments and naming those crew members who stood out in your minds for exceptional service.

The disembark chat was done, and Steve was going to lead a backstage tour of the Phantom Lounge (presumably so you could see exactly where they store a double-decker Ticket To Ride bus), but we decided to bail on it and instead went back upstairs to pack our suitcases. Sigh. I wasn't even close to as neat and careful with my packing this time as I was a week earlier - pretty much everything was packed via the "shove it in" method.

We then sat down and filled out our comment cards and our puny Super-Shopper-Lacey-Disgraceful Customs card, declaring that we'd spent a grand total of $300 between the two of us. That amount was probably high, but since I didn't want to itemize my purchases and we were still way below the accepted limits it seemed like a nice round number.

It was now time for the afternoon trivia game, which was scheduled to take place out in front of the Fountainhead coffee stand at 1:30. I bought Mary an iced breve, then we sat down to play. Ali showed up again with her killer hard trivia, and we were joined by Larry and Kim, and a few other passengers that we'd seen at most of the trivia games during the week.

It was Ali's brain teaser collection again, and this time Mary and I teamed up and scored 19 out of 26. Not bad, but not good enough. The older couple to our right won with a score of 21 our of 26. I was happy to lose to them; they'd played all week long and deserved to go home with a medallion. Besides, he had 21 of those questions right - I was seriously stumped on about half of them, and if it wasn't for Mary's help, we'd have been thoroughly embarrassed.

It was now 2:00, and time for the Newlywed/Not-So-Newlywed show in the Phantom. The show works a lot like the old Bob Eubanks hosted show, only with a bottle of champagne as a prize instead of a washer/dryer. They recruited three married couples out of the audience - one was a set of newlyweds, married about a week, the second couple had been married 25 years, and the third? If I remember right, CD Steve said that they had recently celebrated their 53rd anniversary. He sat them on the stage back-to-back, gave them note pads, and then read potentially embarrassing ("spicy!") questions, ranging from their first kiss to the number of times they "get happy". The show was funny to watch, and I was kind of glad that I wasn't up there on stage with them, mainly because I didn't need the world to know about my habits, good or bad. In the end they were all winners, as nobody was really keeping score, and CD Steve gave them all booze and made sure that they all kissed so that there were no hard feelings after telling the entire showroom about the size of your husband's "attributes".

Halfway through the show Mary had to ditch out and go up to the spa, where she'd booked her complimentary express facial appointment using the coupon she'd won earlier in the week during the televised trivia. So when the show was over I went back up to our cabin and stretched out on the bed for a minute and "rested my eyes", until Mary returned from her spa experience, feeling quite good about it.

More towel critters from the week.

We then went upstairs to the Lido for a late lunch, which by the time we got up there the only things left open were the sandwich line and the hamburger/hot dog grill. But this worked okay for us, and I got a grilled reuben and some of those deck-worthy french fries, and Mary had a cheeseburger. We sat and watched the water go by as we ate, and tried to keep every memory in our heads.

After burgers and sandwiches it was time for the afternoon ice cream sundae bar, so we went to the back of the Lido, where the sundaes were set up. They had frozen yogurt and ice cream by the dish or cone, plus nuts, cookies, sprinkles, ladyfingers, fruit, hot fudge, butterscotch, strawberries, and even bananas if you were adventurous enough to try to fit a banana split into one of those little round dishes. We settled for a couple of dishes of chocolate/vanilla swirl and some cookies, and called it good.

It was almost 4:00 - time for another round of Steve's televised trivia. I was hoping to make up for my missed Star Trek question the other day, so it was back down to Frankie and Johnnies we went. The game show was ran in the same method as the other day, with Candace serving as the runner to deliver the prizes to those who won from the cabins. The prizes were the same as before - a drink of the day, a t-shirt from the casino, a deck of cards, 5 minutes of Internet time, an express facial. So I was hoping to have my shot at the photo albums again.

Sure enough, CD Steve finally held up the photo albums, and I was ready to go. But then he said the fateful phrase.

"We usually give the lousy prizes to the phone-in winners. Let's give them something nice this time."

Ah! I was about to be denied again. But then it got worse, as he asked the question, and I was the only one who knew it the answer...but I wasn't eligible! The question was "What film was Lawrence Fishburn's first movie?" Well, I knew that he was just 19 when he starred as one of the riverboat guards in Apocalypse Now, but nobody else knew it. We waited and waited for someone to call in from the cabins with the right answer, but it was all silent. Meanwhile, I'm gritting my teeth, dying to answer.

Finally, Steve got someone to call in and give the right answer. How? He'd held up the answer sheet in front of the camera, and the first person who could read and then dialed the phone won.

The winner? Not me. Boo hoo.

The game was soon over - no more prizes for us. It was 4:30, and the happy bells of naptime were calling to us, so we went back to the cabin and crashed for two hours. God, I'm going to miss my afternoon siestas...

At 6:00 the phone in the cabin rang. My first thought? "Why is the French Woman calling already?" I picked up the phone and was about to hang it back up when I heard a voice say, "Hello, Mr. Burk?" It was the woman from the Formalities shop, reminding me to bring my tuxedo back down to turn in this evening. Oops. Okay, will do. I then climbed back into bed and fell asleep for another half hour, until the real French Woman called, right on time.

Scenes from the Mad Hatter Lounge and Frankenstein's Lab

We got up at 6:30, showered and dressed, swung by Formalities to drop off my tux, then went down to the Phantom for our final pre-dinner show. Tonight's entertainment consisted of a female singer with a beautiful voice who sang Chaka Kahn and Marvin Gaye songs and the G-rated comedy of the comedian from the night before. (Not quite as funny cleaned up.) Once showtime was over it was off to the Bacchus we went for our final dinner with our new friends.

For dinner tonight we started with a fresh fruit appetizer for me and seafood gumbo for Mary, then progressed to the turkey dinner, which while not quite "Thanksgiving-worthy" was still pretty good. For dessert, Tatiana said that "everything is recommended", and she proceeded to bring us one of everything... All good, but the Grand Marnier souffle was outstanding.

But first, we must dance! Tonight we danced to Tina Turner's "Simply the Best", which the maitre'd said was how Carnival felt about all of us, but in reality was exactly how we felt about all of them.

At dessert we also had a special treat: Larry and Kim had their wedding cake on board, but since you can't take food off the ship they weren't able to store the top layer for their first anniversary. So instead, they arranged with Tatiana to share it with us at the table. We both thought this was incredibly generous to do, and appreciated their kindness over the course of the week. Having Larry and Kim as tablemates worked out exactly perfect, and I really hope that we can keep in touch in the future.

Time was up, so we finally had to say goodbye to everyone in the dining room. I slipped Tatiana, Jana, and Helena some extra cash (the rest of our tips were being automatically added to our "Drink & Sink" card), as our way of saying thanks for everything. Tatiana signed a Miracle placemat for us to take home, then we made our way out of the Bacchus for good. Gone, but not forgotten.

There were a couple of last minute shows if you wanted to attend, but we were feeling kind of burned out and sad about the trip ending in the morning, so we went to just one - Karl with a K hosted a small show, which featured a guitar player who did his best Jimmy Hendrix impersonation with his electric guitar. He was good and even played it with his teeth, but not too surprisingly he didn't smash his guitar or set it on fire at the end. Karl then sang a few songs, after donning wigs and glasses and hitting the singer's voice in a perfect match - Buddy Holly, Elton John, Elvis. He then called a couple of people up on stage for a fairly lame magic trick, and that was that. Not the "A" list entertainment that we'd seen all week, but still not bad.

We then stopped in the Casino to throw some more money in Mary's quarter sucker, and she got it to surrender a good dose of quarters, so she was able to play a long time on her roll of quarters. (I immediately lost mine in the nearest slot machine, of course.) Broke, tired, and feeling a little melancholy, we made our way back up to our cabin for the night.

Finals shots of the ship (from land, silly! I didn't swim for these pics...)

In order to get all of the luggage off the ship and to the cruise terminal in a neat and orderly manner, your suitcases had to be in the hall tonight between 10:00 and midnight. (CD Steve had warned everyone to make sure you leave clothes out for the morning before putting your bags out, otherwise it could be a little embarrassing and/or chilly at the terminal if you have to wear your wife's nightie all day long while you search for your luggage...) So we made it to the cabin at 11:50, where the crews were already in the hall picking up other people's bags. We set aside our clothes and stuff for morning then put our four bags out, and when I looked back out two minutes later they were already gone. Just like magic.

It was midnight, so we went to the balcony and sat out for one last time looking at the ocean, then went back inside, set the phone for the French Woman to call us at 6:30 AM, and climbed into bed.

The end was nigh. Major bummer.